Plant CHECK!, Pet CHECK! Relationship...um.

We've all heard of the "3 steps before dating" rules for recovering addicts. If not, here's a refresher coarse.

Step 1) Get a plant. If the plant survives proceed to step 2.
Step 2) Get a pet... if the pet survives proceed to step 3.
Step 3) Start dating.

     Although I wasn't a recovering addict (unless shopping counts) I decided to try this anyway. The first plant I bought, I got when shopping for a full length mirror at Ikea. It called out to me,
"Luis... come buy me. I'm a cute lil' bamboo shoot! Not only will I bring you good energy through feng shui, but I'm you're ticket to a healthy relationship!" I bought 12.

     I was unclear on the actual time frame I was to keep the plants alive before converting to a pet, so I waited two years... just to be safe. Next step was getting a pet. I looked around last summer for the appropriate pet. I didn't want a cat; because, well from my dating experience most men with cat's are emotionally unstable, clingy, and extremely needy. Cat option. Out. I thought I'd get a bird but then imagined myself having sex with a guy, and all of a sudden I'd hear "Bad Birdie!" coming from the other room. Talk about a mood kill. So, I thought maybe a turtle would be cool. My best friend has a turtle. The turtles kinda cool. Then I remembered that time I walked into a guys apartment in Vegas, who had a turtle. All I could think about was this turtle, hanging out, watching us... Creeped me out. I mean, really? What respectable, single gay man has a turtle as a pet? I'll tell you what kind... a leather daddy! F that. Next I thought, maybe I'll get a dog. Not just any dog. A "guys" dog. Like a Golden retriever, or a lab... After about 3 seconds I came back to reality and realized I lived in a New York apartment, and that would probably be a bad idea. Shih-tzu would be nice. Kinda fem, but not to fem. Some what tame, so I wouldn't have to worry about paying to much attention to it. It would be satisfied with just sitting there... like a cat.

I Started looking for Shih Tzu breeders, and found a few I liked in New Jersey. I definitely wanted a boy. There was no way in the world I was gonna end up like those Gay guys in that film Best in Show with their Shih-tzu and bows in it's ears. First comes the bows, then the Kimono. There's something sexy about a guy and his boy dog. "Hi, this is my dog... Butch. I'm Luis. We should do lunch" Yes, definitely a boy dog. I started telling my friends I was looking for a dog. One of my best friends; Stephanie, was so excited she started looking for me.. only, she was looking at dogs she would buy, and not Dogs I wanted. She started telling me about a dog she had seen at a pet store on the Upper East side called Pups on Lex. It was a Cocker-spaniel.

"No," I said to her, "I don't want a Cocker spaniel. My child hood dog was a small terrier. She was the love of my life. A Spaniel sneaked into my back yard one day, stole her puppy innocence, got her pregnant, and she ended up dieing from birth complications. I have issues with Cocker spaniels."
"Oh shut up," she said, "just go look at her."
"Her!? Ugh, no. I want a boy dog..."

For a week she bugged me to go see this dog. "She's so cute," she'd say "she's got a great coat!" she'd say, "awe she's so pretty!" The whole week she'd walk by me and whisper "woof,". She'd peak around a corner and just "woof" at me. It was starting to annoy me. In order to shut her up. I went.

I had gotten off the 4 train on the way to work. The shop was conveniently located right outside the train exit. I went in, and there she was. Miss spaniel and her unusual looking. Brown hair with black tips, and a white chest. Almost as if she had walked into the Doggy Salon and said, "I want low lights. No! Better yet. Tips."
I stared at her for a while as I thought about the important criteria one ponders when making such a large investment.

1) Does this puppy make me look oober gay?
2) Is this puppy a potential hunk magnet?
3) Will this puppy look good in that Gold Leather Coach Dog Collar that I had recently placed a bid on, Ebay?
4) Am I ready to make such a long term investment that doesn't involve wheels or membership to a place with a roof top pool, a bar and young half naked pool boys?
5) Will this dog interfere with me masturbating? There's nothing worse than masturbating to great porn and trying to climax with a dog whimpering and scratching at the door.
I needed a second opinion, so I went for Steph.
When we arrived I stared at this dog again. This time I had Stephanie to bounce my thoughts off of. It all felt like I was shopping for a car. The Puppy salesman approached and said to me,
"I can get a good deal for you if you're interested."
"How good of a deal?" I asked, intrigued.
"Well, she was $1800, but for you. $700."
"Why so cheap? She knocked up or something?"
"No, she's just too old."
"Too old? How old is she?"
"She's Four months," he said. Four months and she's "too old"? I felt for her then. It wasn't to long ago when I was in the music industry, and 23 was too old. I know what it was like to be a mere pup in the world, and be rejected by society and Sony Music. Although I felt for her, this guy was losing me. He took her out of the kennel and gave her to me.

"Here," he said, "How do you know if you want her if you don't pet her," 'Great,'I thought to myself, 'A test drive.' I put her in the play kennel and Steph began playing with her, having the time of her life... I just kept looking at the pup. The Puppy Salesman could see my hesitation, and then said to me,
"You know. A Cocker spaniel with this coat is VERY rare. You hardly ever see them." He had my attention. He was right, I had never seen a Cocker spaniel with these interesting colors. "You mean," I replied "Like... couture?" "Um, yes.. just like that!" He said. "SOLD! Wrap her up."

Steph named her Adeliade. I liked it. Addy. That Sunday, a boy I had been dating for a while offered to take Addy to get her last shot and spend the day with her. I hadn't bonded with her yet, so I didn't care. He took her for the day. After work, they met up with me, and we headed back to my apartment. He complained about how much he had walked that day, and how tired he was. I could see that the Addy was also annoyed about his bitching. As we entered Central Park through the East side, a group of girls in their early twenties walked up and start praising Addy. One of the girls was so excited and said,

"Oh my gawd, that is the prettiest dog I have ever seen. I really want to get one, but I don't want to be seen as the... you know, 'dog lady'." I was sooo relieved. Someone else who thought like i did. I responded with excitement,
"NO NO! I totally feel you, I thought the same way you do, you just have to get the right dog is all!"
"Yeah but," she replied with her palms signaling the Boy I was dating and I, "you're safe, I'm still single it's different."
"What? No, I'm single too, and I don't think of myself as the 'dog guy'!" Foot in Mouth I thought, "well sort of single..."

The entire walk home was awkward. For weeks I could tell the boy wanted more. Wanted a label, or some sort of assurance "we" were going some where. With that comment, I think he had a reality check, that maybe... "we" weren't going anywhere but my apartment. I had been honest with him, and asked him to just enjoy what we had in the moment, and not worry about the future. For someone like me, emotionally unavailable, it's just better that way. It's not like I am sleeping with anyone else. I just don't need to be someones boyfriend. I don't need to be someones anything.

When we got back to the apartment, I laid on my bed, and Addy crawled up on my chest to lick my cheek. Finally, I felt a bond. She missed me. I smiled and she tucked her head between my shoulder and neck. 'How long do I have to keep you alive before I can be in a healthy relationship?' I wondered, as I stroked her beautiful coat. The guy I was dating at the time was before Addy, so I don't think he counted. Ever since I bought Addy it's been up and down with her... She keeps me interested, and keeps me on my toes... Maybe I'm still emotionally available to her because she continues to reject me every once in a while. Maybe that's all I need. My Bamboo, my Bitch, and a lil rejection from time to time.