Nesting

We live our lives assuming the worst could never happen to us - until it actually happens. A physical worst can be hard to over come, yet makes one stronger. Sometimes it makes life a little harder than it was before. An emotional worst; like the loss of a loved one, can also be hard to over come. This too making life harder, especially when the effects of that loss don't surface until later in life.

It will be 20 years this summer, since the night of the accident. The red lights flashing through the window. The sound of my mother hitting the floor as she hears those words she assumed she'd never hear. The agonizing screams of denial that followed, all still linger like a loud, never ending ringing in my ear. To lose an arm, you over come it - but to lose a loved one, you bury it. Deep.

Obviously, if follow my blog this entry might clear things up a bit. Mr. Romantically unavailable's deepest darkest secret revealed. My intentions were to reveal it on Oprah when also announcing my marriage to Nate Berkus, but blogspot will have to do. Why am I so unavailable? Well, because I'm a coward. Losing my father was the most painful experience of my life. I wont allow anyone to get close, in order to prevent myself from ever feeling such a loss. It got worse after my last break up, 6 years ago. It was love at first site. After 3 rocky years, I felt it slipping away - so I left. I always leave. Can't lose something you give up, right? It's like that with all aspects of my life. At work, or my many side projects - failure is not an option. I am very strategic when choosing a project. I think that's what I do with men. I have to picture a gratifying end result with in the first few days, or else I'm not interested. Unfortunately; unlike a project, you can't follow a business plan to help guide you to success.

I started revamping my apartment this month. Out with the old, and in with the new. A more comfortable and people friendly couch. Large accent chairs to seat more guests, and a TV for the occasional movie night. This yearning for a warmer apartment came after getting my closure from what I thought to be the perfect man. When I told a therapist friend of mine about my apartment make over she exclaimed, "Awe, this is great news! You're nesting!"
"Nesting?" I responded in total confusion, "what am I? A bird?"
"No stupid. People usually nest when they're ready to invite something or someone into their space. In your case, I'm guessing a relationship."
"Yeah right!"I said laughing out loud.
If she was correct, then I was in complete denial. This make over really translated to:
Comfortable people friendly couch = Couch for cuddling, with sexy hot beau.
TV for Movie night = something to do while cuddling on the comfortable people friendly couch, with sexy hot beau.
I felt sick.

I posted my white leather love seat on craigslist, and got a response from an interior designer named Dale. Assuming Dale was a man, I did some net-stalking and came across her blog Bachelorsbydesign.com. Bachelors, how ironic! After a series of email swapping, it turned out she was staging an apartment for a close friend who had put her place on the market. Because Dale was flying out that same day, she didn't have time to hire a mover. She came by to pick up the love seat with her beautiful assistant. Like any other gay man would be, I was thrilled to have her in my home. I had been through her blog during my net-stalking, and was now a huge fan. Don't get me wrong, Nate Berkus is still my favorite; I mean, I am going to marry the guy someday.

When Dale walked in, she asked if I was moving.
"Nesting," I said, "or else, that's what my friend say's I'm doing. Apparently, Nesting is one of the symptoms am man gets when he is no longer emotionally unavailable."
"You know," she said. "most of my clients..."
"Bachelors?" I interrupted.
"Yes," she laughed, "most of them get into relationships soon after I re-do their place. Your friend might be right."
"I hope so," I said. "Being emotionally unavailable sucks..."

If they are both right, then I have only once concern. What if this is the first sign of being "ready"? How do I know if my friend, good ol' Mr. abandonment issue wont creep up again? There's only one way to find out, and that's dating emotionally available men. What better way to find one than through my friend Charlie the Machmaker? The journey to coupled-om begins... let's get me hitched!